Internal Memo
I come from Greece, the land of Zeus. What sprang full-born from my skull has now fetched $315 million. Now, like the Queens of Minos, I will rule an empire, an empire of content. The Internet is a labyrinth. Teeming and toiling within the endless maze are journalists, citizens, citizen-journalists and unique visitors. It doesn't take a Midas to monetize them. My feeling is that a service provider whose profits have been diminishing since... MORE >
I have sat here in the desert for more than 4,000 years. I watched as Pharaoh Ahmose I expelled the dreaded Hyksos from the Nile. I saw the missionaries of Hatshetsup deliver her myrrh trees from the Land of Punt. Thutmose III forged his empire from the banks of the Euphrates to the fourth Nile waterfall in Nubia. Akhenaten married Nefertiti and smashed the gods of Egypt in favor of Aten, the sun disc.... MORE >
I'm considering another run for president and weighing the pros and the cons. On the pro side, there's power, fame, the chance to secure my legacy in history and thus ensure that I am remembered in the national consciousness for something more than a few cameo appearances on Seinfeld, as well as the chance to constantly mention my leadership role on a certain day almost 10-excuse me!... MORE >
I'm working on my personal brand. I don't want to be just a football player, a dumb jock who just throws balls in the air further and faster and more accurately than a few other guys (guys like Tom Brady). I want to be a whole human being. I want to have feelings, feelings that don't just have to do with beating the Patriots or the Steelers or Ben Roethlisberger or Tom Brady. I... MORE >
Of all the indignities I have suffered, the fiasco of incompetence that has resulted from my decision to sign my life rights over to Broadway producers is no doubt the most gratuitous, not to mention the corniest. And beyond the accidents, the orchestra pit tumbles, the broken ribs and the cracked vertebrae—all slurs upon my legendary reflexes and agility—there is the matter of the measly sum I received for the option to turn my... MORE >
While confined here in Ellingham Hall, I came across recent statements calling my present activities "unwise and untimely," plus "unscrupulous," "thuggish," "criminal" and "megalomaniacal." Seldom do I pause to answer criticism of my work and ideas. If I sought to answer all the criticisms that enter my in-box, I would have to undertake a volume of correspondence dwarfing that of the entire United States government, and I would have no time to leak the... MORE >
I am the hand of the state, and I want to touch your genitals. Just a light pat-down before you board the plane and fly away. Oh, don't say no. You know as well as I do that we've always been intimate. I've known you all your life. I taught you how to read. You rode your bike down streets that I paved. I kept the park where you flew your kite. I kept... MORE >
Should you like an idea of the feast state workers are enjoying at the expense of New Jersey taxpayers, just imagine a night with me at your local Outback Steakhouse. I'll get going with some wings and cheese fries and maybe some beer-battered shrimp with my favorite topping, Creole marmalade. Once all that's cleared, I move on to a pre-steak round of ribs and pasta. You got the tangy rib sauce, on the one... MORE >
Who's on top? Who are the winners? And who are the losers? Who's on the A-list? The B-list? The C-list? The D-list? My name starts with a B, but I've been on the A-list since I invented the made-for-TV movie in 1965. With the exception of a few months there in 1996, when I dropped to the B-list, I've never left the A-list. It's not all about money. You could have all the money... MORE >
By Christian Lorentzen | November 9, 2010 | 9:08 pm
Finally, tonight, a special comment on the accurately described "campaign contributions." I have lived as if in a trance. I have lived as a person in fear. And it is now that I truly inherit the legacy of my American ancestors. In these days of fright I have been only human. I have listened to that little voice inside that said this too shall pass. O little voice, you spoke so much more than... MORE >
By Christian Lorentzen | November 2, 2010 | 10:55 pm
Another Freedom Day has passed and if it isn't bright sunshine morning spreading its rosy-fingered lipstick out all over that greatest force for good in a world of brazen, extremist, pornographying, chain-smoking, pot-snorting liberal media outlets, America.... MORE >
By Christian Lorentzen | October 26, 2010 | 9:49 pm
If you're just an average guy, you don't see too many bonuses in life, not like one of these fancy banker cats or even a fella like me. I've seen some kind of bonus around every corner, whether it was just a good fix or some bird who was ready to scratch my eyes out. The average guy, he doesn't see bonuses like that, and that's why for our fans-the greatest rock 'n' roll... MORE >
By Christian Lorentzen | October 19, 2010 | 11:55 am
What am I doing up here with all these morons? It's finally my moment to assume my birthright as governor of New York and I don't even have a worthy opponent. Carl Paladino, you are supposedly a major party candidate for the office of governor, you rode into the nomination on the wave of the national juggernaut Tea Party movement, and tonight you show up at Hofstra, spend ninety minutes looking, with those sad... MORE >
By Christian Lorentzen | October 12, 2010 | 8:01 pm
Well, it looks like this TV thing might not work out. So far we've been called "icky," "obnoxious," "wonky," "stodgy," "strange," "too polite," "lackluster," "just vapid," "confused," "utterly lost," "fluffy," "wretchedly unwatchable," "unbearable," "self-important noise," "an unalloyed disappointment," "a queezy whiff of sulfur," "dead-on-arrival" and "annoying in a narcissistic kind of way." Listen, I'm not dumb. In fact, I'm all too self-aware. And I can confirm to you that all of these criticisms are... MORE >
By Christian Lorentzen | October 5, 2010 | 10:58 pm
One thing they never tell you about Harvard is that it's crawling with rats. After a long night of coding, around 6 in the morning, I used to like to walk down to the Charles and watch the Radcliffe crew team row their boats in the cool calm of dawn. There was a certain beauty to this ritual, the code swimming in my head, the swoosh of the ladies' oars as they came to... MORE >
