Scandal Report: Parka-Clad Stars Sundance the Night Away

A week after wandering around dateless at the Portlandia premiere, Heather Graham is lonely no more. PAGE SIX followed her into the Chelsea Hotel, where she dragged along a younger man (they met at "strip-dance class") and promptly sucked his fresh little face in front of an ex-boyfriend. Roller girl on a roll!

GATECRASHER ran into peppy overachiever James Franco at the after party for his wacky "Three's Company"-inspired performance art installation spectacle thing at Sundance. And GATECRASHER couldn't resist: they had found Franco's doppelganger -- his body double on "General Hospital" -- and they introduced the two. Franco's too busy and brilliant for that kind of shit, though. He stammered or something and walked off. James! This is just like that Lacan text you've been reading up in New Haven. Embrace the mirror stage, Franco! Overcome your state of méconnaissance!

PAGE SIX used to have no idea who Juno Temple was. PAGE SIX had no fucking clue that this Brit chick stars in Sundance darling Little Birds. PAGE SIX didn't know Juno Temple likes The Cramps because PAGE SIX didn't see her wearing a Cramps t-shirt. That is, PAGE SIX didn't know these things until Emile Hirsch told PAGE SIX at Tao in Sundance last Sunday -- dude would not shut up about this girl. Speed Racer says she's a star! Or maybe, you know, he just wants to sleep with her.

Ashton Kutcher's sexy sex friends movie is a hit! America didn't notice that he had no chemistry with the totes preggers Natalie Portman and gulped the movie down like a sex friend gulping down her sex friend's, um... yeah. But when cuddling with the wifey Demi, GATECRASHER spied Ashton pecking at his BlackBerry mid-makeout sesh. Don't worry guys! He's got to like save social media or whatever!

In which The Observer lectures Lil Jon. Ahem. Where do we start with you, Mr. Jon? Yes, you did arrive at the Day & Night brunch at Sundance with ten girls. We approve of that. But what were you thinking ordering rosé, in the winter? Don't you know the rules? You ordered three magnum bottles of Bertaud Belieu. That is exactly three more magnum bottles of Bertaud Belieu than the correct number a person should order before April. PAGE SIX does point out that most of the offending wine was actually sprayed on Miley Cyrus' ex-boyfriend, but we're not letting you off the hook so easy. We like you. We really do. But you look like an asshole ordering rosé in the winter. A total asshole. We just know you have more class than that is all. What about some Champagne instead? Dom works in all seasons, Lil Jon! You can't go wrong with Dom Perignon! Spray that shit at Miley's ex.

I guess if someone on television is leaving not be on television anymore, it means you have to call Anderson Cooper. Will he take over Regis Philbin's spot when the TV vet packs it up. "No," a Cooper spokesperson said to GATECRASHER. But this spokesperson is spewing lies so how can we trust them? Here's the lie the lying spokesliar said: "He has no regrets about anything, except a velour track suit he once wore in the eighth grade." Lies! Anderson is waayyyyy too fabulous to ever regret wearing velour. Probably wearing velour right now, actually.

If you sign Tinsley Mortimer up for snowboarding lessons at Sundance, she's going to need a cute hairstyle to go with it. But oh no it looks like the haircut was just too cute for Tinsley -- she didn't want to get it messed up and everything! Ohmigod Tinz. Tinzzzzzzz. What PAGE SIX didn't report is that TINZ was at the Vueve Clicquot ice skating Champagne tent at Bryant Park Wednesday night. The Observer was there too! She showed up in enough fur to dress half of Aspen, and a friend of The Observer had to do a double-take to see if it was actually her. Why? Because Tinsley was -- gasp! -- eating a mini grilled cheese hors d-ouevers. Tinz!

Welcome to "Let's Talk Priorities," with your host, Girl Next Door star Emile Hirsch. In this week's episode, Emile berates a bartender for a drink at a Sundance party, GATECRASHER informs us, temporarily ignoring a girl with a Cramps t-shirt. The barman issues a folksy no-can-do, but Emile demands a drink, screaming "I'm VIP! I'm VIP!" Eventually the barkeep gives in and tosses him a Stella. Doing everything in your power to get a beer, even if it seems the world is against you. Thanks for tuning in to "Let's Talk Priorities."

If you were the host of Saturday Night Live -- you would have hosted Saturday Night Live! Ah, but alas, young Mark Zuckerberg, you are not the host of SNL. Rather, it's that guy Jesse Eisenberg, who nabbed an Oscar nom played a jerked-out version of the you in The Social Network. But what if you came on as a guest, Mark? PAGE SIX reports that the SNL guys are hot for you, and Social Network producer Scott Rudin wouldn't mind some more publicity before Academy members submit their votes. No? You don't want to do it? Well what if we told you that T-Pain got the Facebook "Like" button tattooed on his body? If that can't turn your frown upside down, we don't know what can.

Lady Gaga's boyfriend, Luc Carl, is was getting irked at the pop star for denying to the press that they're engaged. GATECRASHER got the tip from people sitting near them at BowlMor Lanes, in Times Square. Are they engaged? Maybe they are! Did Gaga bowl a strike? Maybe she did!

What did it take this week? What did it take for Page Six to rouse itself after last week's loss and snatch the crown from Gatecrasher? It took fucking effort that's what. They did it by sifting through the sordid gossip that sullied the pristine white snow of Park City. New York and L.A. came out in spades for Sundance, and Page Six captured every juicy anecdote. With Fashion Week fast approaching, there's only a week or so left of doldrums before the city explodes. Who's got the better hunger to handle it? Check back next week for Scandal Report.