Christian Lorentzen
I have sat here in the desert for more than 4,000 years. I watched as Pharaoh Ahmose I expelled the dreaded Hyksos from the Nile. I saw the missionaries of Hatshetsup deliver her myrrh trees from the Land of Punt. Thutmose III forged his empire from the banks of the Euphrates to the fourth Nile waterfall in Nubia. Akhenaten married Nefertiti and smashed the gods of Egypt in favor of Aten, the sun disc.... MORE >
I'm considering another run for president and weighing the pros and the cons. On the pro side, there's power, fame, the chance to secure my legacy in history and thus ensure that I am remembered in the national consciousness for something more than a few cameo appearances on Seinfeld, as well as the chance to constantly mention my leadership role on a certain day almost 10-excuse me!... MORE >
I'm working on my personal brand. I don't want to be just a football player, a dumb jock who just throws balls in the air further and faster and more accurately than a few other guys (guys like Tom Brady). I want to be a whole human being. I want to have feelings, feelings that don't just have to do with beating the Patriots or the Steelers or Ben Roethlisberger or Tom Brady. I... MORE >
We will bury you. You will be helpless in our frigid embrace. We will stop your trains, halt your cars, stall your trucks and cripple your buses. We will put your city into a coma. All of your money is useless against us. Your billionaire mayor is but an impotent elf. We will close your schools, and your children will learn nothing. We will starve you, chill you, bite you. Ponder the word amputation.... MORE >
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The Observer was sitting at his desk on Saturday afternoon. He clicked the tab for Twitter on his Web browser. Five Tweets down on his Timeline he saw a Tweet by @Beach_Sloth that read, http://thoughtcatalog.com/2011/tao-lin-and-megan-boyle-of-mdma-films-are-married/ @xsssy @heusar @tao_lin @meganboyle Congrats newly... MORE >
Of all the indignities I have suffered, the fiasco of incompetence that has resulted from my decision to sign my life rights over to Broadway producers is no doubt the most gratuitous, not to mention the corniest. And beyond the accidents, the orchestra pit tumbles, the broken ribs and the cracked vertebrae—all slurs upon my legendary reflexes and agility—there is the matter of the measly sum I received for the option to turn my... MORE >
While confined here in Ellingham Hall, I came across recent statements calling my present activities "unwise and untimely," plus "unscrupulous," "thuggish," "criminal" and "megalomaniacal." Seldom do I pause to answer criticism of my work and ideas. If I sought to answer all the criticisms that enter my in-box, I would have to undertake a volume of correspondence dwarfing that of the entire United States government, and I would have no time to leak the... MORE >
God, am I stressed out. I hate my job. My boss is an idiot and completely ineffectual. How did he get this job? And why did I consent to play his globe-trotting lackey? It's always been true that Democrats make the best Republican presidents. My husband, that arrogant, shiftless philanderer, proved that long ago. At least I travel enough now that I don't have to see that one more than a couple times a... MORE >
I am the hand of the state, and I want to touch your genitals. Just a light pat-down before you board the plane and fly away. Oh, don't say no. You know as well as I do that we've always been intimate. I've known you all your life. I taught you how to read. You rode your bike down streets that I paved. I kept the park where you flew your kite. I kept... MORE >
Should you like an idea of the feast state workers are enjoying at the expense of New Jersey taxpayers, just imagine a night with me at your local Outback Steakhouse. I'll get going with some wings and cheese fries and maybe some beer-battered shrimp with my favorite topping, Creole marmalade. Once all that's cleared, I move on to a pre-steak round of ribs and pasta. You got the tangy rib sauce, on the one... MORE >
Who's on top? Who are the winners? And who are the losers? Who's on the A-list? The B-list? The C-list? The D-list? My name starts with a B, but I've been on the A-list since I invented the made-for-TV movie in 1965. With the exception of a few months there in 1996, when I dropped to the B-list, I've never left the A-list. It's not all about money. You could have all the money... MORE >
