Tweets of the Week

@VegasDegenerate One of my favorite things is seeing tourists run like maniacs to see the Bellagio fountain show and get to the rail just as it ends.

@DoucheLarue Monopoly gets major makeover—yeah, now when you buy property, it loses half its value after you pass “go” three times.

@yyckerr Justin Bieber has come out against abortion. Because the fate of a woman’s body should totally be influenced by a kid who’s never seen one.

@NikkiSixx Embarassing my kids is a full time job. My favorite thing I hear from them? “NO DAD, NO!”

@Joan_Rivers Charlie Sheen’s sobriety is a lot like the month of February—it will never last 30 days.

@Misnoper MGM euphemistically explaining a $139 million loss reminds me of trying to tell my wife that dumping $500 at the craps table could’ve been worse.

@PokerVixen Best way to get over one is to get under another.

@Michelle__Anne Our presidents would b so proud of me celebrating Presidents Day watching new episodes of Kardashians and Holly’s World, right?

@AntiVegas Pool season is just around the corner. We all better start working on our fake tans!

@ArabianHammer I need a long weekend to recover from this long weekend.

@JackEyedJerry Glee cast tops Elvis for most Top 100 hits. In other news: Popular music has officially turned to shit!

@kiranmaxweber For a moment I thought I was in the 1950s, but then realized I’m in Las Vegas, where they still allow people to smoke indoors.