I Got Your School Prayer Right Here

For those of you who don't follow news about legal rulings, or read any of the athier atheist blogs, last week a federal judge ruled in favor of 16-year old Rhode Island high school student Jessica Ahlquist in her lawsuit agaist her school district. For roughly the last 48 years, a banner has hung in Cranston High School West; it features a prayer written in 1960 by a seventh grader, and was given to the school by the class of 1963. Coincidentally, or not, it was in 1962 and 1963 that the U.S. Supreme Court issued a pair of landmark rulings deeming such things unconstitutional and therefore illegal in public schools. You can see it to the left; click to embiggen, but it's pretty standard stuff, calling on "Our Heavenly Father" to please grant us basic human decency and help us learn to be better, more honest people.
Today the school board is reportedly discussing whether or not to comply with the judge's ruling and take down the banner. And, much to everyone's surprise, the morally superior Christian population has responded graciously rained down threats of hellfire, damnation and violence on Jessica. Here is just a small, small sample of tweets about the case:


Margaret @jessicaahlquist U little brainless idiot, hope u will be punished, you have not win sh..t! Stupid little brainless skunk!

iCrothsnotTM @jessicaahlquist How does it feel to be the most hated person in RI right now? Your a puke and a disgrace to the human race. It’s still up!

Jessica Ahlquist My home address was posted in the comments on the projo website. I have little siblings and a sick mother. You cannot be serious. Retweeted by iCrothsnotTM

amanda aldridge she just destroyed a piece of cranston west’s history. hope you’re happy #stupidbitch

Matt Starchild May that little, evil athiest teenage girl and that judge BURN IN HELL!

Elijah Kilbane If this banner comes down, hell i hope the school burns down with it!

Sydney Magner Honestly I think the juniors are the most mad about the banner thing because all of us actually know the psycho bitch.

Gab Zaccaria I think everyone should just fight this girl.

Zach The Dog Fuck Jessica alquist I’ll drop anchor on her face

Caleb McDevitt im sabotaging her site on fb lets just say its going to be nuts you need in on dat dawg?

AJ St.Angelo Let’s all jump the girl who did the banner #fuckthatho

Im Dante Smith hail Mary full of grace @jessicaahlquist is gonna get punched in the face

And her state representative, Rep. Peter Palumbo, called her an "evil little thing."
Did I mention she's a 16-year old girl who won her case in court?

So, obviously, whatever the original intention of hanging a prayer banner in a school gymnasium was, either it didn't work or this is just what happens when a large group of people waits for a magical supreme being to grant them qualities they should probably work on acquiring by other means. In fact, it's obvious that the prayer needs a little work, to bring it more in line with its own ideal of "honesty." Here is an honest prayer for the good people of Cranston High School West. They won't be able to hang this banner in the gym, but perhaps every student could print out a copy and memorize it and carry it to school that way.

You Are Required To Fill Out All Fields Marked *Required

Hey, Funboys, Get a Room

With one day to go before the all-important New Hampshire primary, Mitt Romney (left) has reason to laugh and point at Newt Gingrich's stupid face; the most recent polls show Romney capturing 40.2% of the vote, nearly doubling the second place showing of Ron Paul at 20.8%. Gingrich, probably burping up some noxious gas here rather than laughing, is fifth at 8.6%, trailing not only Romney and Paul but also Rick Santorum (10.6%) and even Jon Huntsman (9.4).          Source: realclearpolitics.com
What Romney is probably smart enough to realize, though, and worry about, is that the New Hampshire primary is rarely about winning, or gaining delegates; it's about expectations and whether you exceed them or fail to meet them. In 1968, Eugene McCarthy's strong showing against a sitting President, Lyndon Johnson, helped push Johnson into retirement. In 1972, George McGovern's close second place finish legitimized his campaign and propelled him toward the nomination; the immortal Ed Muskie's disappointing showing, and legendary crying jag on TV, doomed his chances. Jimmy Carter used a surpise victory to launch a campaign that ended in the White House, and four years later Ronald Reagan resurrected his chances with a win after a bad showing in the Iowa caucus. And in 1992, Bill Clinton resurrected his faltering campaign with a decent second-place finish; after this, he dubbed himself "the Comeback Kid" and proceeded toward the presidency. Of course, he had actually led in the polls a month before, and wound up losing, so "Comeback Kid" was only technically accurate, but that's why we loved Bill Clinton, right? He told us how things were, we knew it was bullshit, and we voted for him anyway.
Yes, it's all about expectations; and what you can expect is a mad attempt to spin the results by each camp to make it seem like things are going as planned.

"We wanted to leave room for the campaign to grow."

So Romney, basically, has set himself up to win what the media will call the "presumptive nominee" tag with a margin on the order of what the polls show, but if he fails to win by at least 12-15%, and Paul or anyone else can make a close show out of it, the media will start to use words like "faltering" for Romney and "surging" for anyone who exceeds expectations.
More great Santorum headlines are a virtual certainty; another failure to make headway could result in calls for him to pull out.
And someone, likely Rick Perry (1%) and possibly even Gingrich, will be officially "hapless." As in "written off."  As in "loser."

History note: Today, January 9, 2012, is Richard M. Nixon's 99th birthday. Or, rather, it would be if we still had him to kick around. We don't, at least not in corporeal form, but we do need to make sure that his name remains properly sullied. He was, despite his famous protestations to the contrary, a crook. Not to mention a liar, a racist, a bully, and a Generally Wrong Person. What baseball scouts call a five-tool player.

Happy birthday, Dick. Oh, and fuck you. You're still a pile of shit, and history will not vindicate you.

Bible Verse For Tim Tebow: Deuteronomy 23:1

With Tim Tebow about to embark on his first NFL playoff adventure this Sunday, and the NFL still persecuting the poor man for his faith by not allowing him to wear his trademark Bible verse/eyeblack as he did in college, I wish to send him off, at least symbolically, with an appropriate selection. As always, I've found something football-related.

“He whose testicles are crushed or whose male member is cut off shall not enter the assembly of the LORD.”

While the deeper meaning of this verse is still being discussed today among theologians, one clear interpretation widely agreed upon is this: Tim is allowed to play football, but he has to wear a cup.

Romney Beats Off Santorum Challenge

"I wanked 'em all!"

Well, obviously I'm going to play this little headline game, too.
According to the results I've seen at this point of Tuesday's Iowa caucus, former governor Mitt Romney has edged his way past former senator Rick Santorum to win by a handful of votes in some terribly archaic and arcane process that means nothing in terms of delegate power for next summer's Republican National Convention. It is, however, something that the media can scrutinize as it awaits next week's New Hampshire primary.
There isn't much of a lesson to take away from Santorum's showing in Iowa, other than the fact that this state, which has given strong showings and surprise victories to people like Pat Robertson and Pat Buchanan, has a penchant for supporting some truly unpleasant people in their quadrennial square dance. It might mean more scrutiny and focus on the former senator from Pennsylvania, and I'm guessing his ego and vanity and general cluelessness will cause him to believe that the Iowa results have somehow vindicated him, and he will be encouraged to put his full unpleasantness on display when he's under the spotlight.
Romney comes out clean, meanwhile, having avoided the two things he couldn't do: 1)come out of it looking like a loser, and 2)saying or doing anything noteworthy in any way.

Meanwhile, Michele Bachmann is reportedly calling it quits, having learned that even in the unlikely event of her winning the presidency she wouldn't be appointing senators, and Rick Perry is re-assessing.
I must confess I am surprised; I never saw Santorum coming, and I really wish I hadn't just written that. But Santorum seemed so unlikely to leave a mark on this election (no no stop) and so much more likely to slide into oblivion (dammit) that I didn't even deem him worth a campaign button.
I'll see about rectifying that...oh, I did it again...

Barbie's Facebook Page

With all the talk online regarding dolls, girls, and the color pink recently, I thought this would be a good time to repost this, orignally posted at Cracked.com to celebrate Barbie's 50th birthday in 2009. And yes, the right-hand side has been deliberately cut off; I turned necessity (just not enough room provided for a whole Facebook page) into comedy with the ancient yet still effective gag of leaving the reader to imagine the end of key sentences. And since it was written for Cracked, it's pretty much one long dick joke at Ken's expense.

Ha Ha Ha. Of Course It's Not Funny, Ha Ha Ha, I Would Never Laugh At Such A Thing

Here is a video taken at the Church of the Nativity in Bethlehem, where baby Jeebus once lay in the manger. It is maintained by three religious denominations: the Greek Orthodox Church, the Armenian Orthodox Church, and the Franciscan Order of the Catholic Church. They seem to have regular disagreements regarding exactly who is responsible for the upkeep of the church, and here they try to settle things by hitting each other with brooms.



What would we do without priests? The world needs them; people who are willing, at any time, to sacrifice any pretense of dignity just to make us laugh.
Oh, wait--I'm thinking of clowns. My bad.

Owner Of A Clueless Heart

Q: I was at a bar with some friends the other night, just partying a little, when I saw across the room a gorgeous young woman sitting alone at a table. I wanted nothing more than to go talk to her and ask her to dance, but I was so nervous I was practically shaking. Just too scared.
So I had a friend go over and ask for me. When she looked up, I grinned and waved at her. What I want to know is: is this a good technique for picking up women? I'm asking because it didn't work.
--Bill W., Chicago

A: If what you're aiming for is to let your friend pick up women, then yes, it is a good technique. For you to meet women, not so good.
You obviously need to work on your courage and self-esteem. As we all know, this comes from a bottle. Hey, you're already in a bar, why not have a few drinks to get loosened up? You, being extra nervous, might need to drink more than the normal amount. A lot more. This might cause its own problems, though--motor skills and judgment may be impaired. But it might be your only chance. Your best bet is to get completely soused, stumble over to her, and try to play the "I'm so drunk I can't help but be blunt and honest" card. The idea is you are so out of it, you are absolutely compelled to tell her how attractive you find her. It probably won't work either, but at least you'll be drunk when it fails. And if you're drunk enough, you won't care. If you're drunker than that, try not to throw up on anyone you know.

Q: The company I work for has recently hired a new receptionist. She is absolutely perfect--in looks, in style, intelligence--really, she has it all. I think she might be THE ONE. But she's always so busy at work, surrounded by people, and even after hours, it seems like she's always with someone, and I never really get a chance to talk to her alone. How can I get to know her? How do I slyly, without fanfare, let her know how I feel?
--Steve L., Detroit

A: At some point in her day, on some day of the week, I can guarantee she will be alone. You need to find out when, and be there to take advantage of the opportunity.
Obviously, you need to know her schedule better--know it inside out, if possible. This is why stalking was invented.
I would start out with something innocuous--either follow her home after work, or, if possible, get her address through your company. Go to her house late some night, make sure she's inside, and then, when you're positive there's no danger of being caught, look in her mailbox. Then, run away.
Do this a few times, until you've built up the courage to try the next step--walk past her on the street without saying anything. Try to do this at least 2-3 times a week, but no more--you don't want to make her suspicious. After a few weeks, walk by her again--only this time, do it with a stupid new haircut. This will let her know that your whole world has changed because of her.
That should get the ball rolling, so to speak.

Q: I had this big date last week with a woman that I've wanted to go out with for weeks. It couldn't have gone better--great dinner, good movie, and back to her place for sex.
Now, I'd always heard that fondue was a great aphrodisiac, so I indulged quite heartily earlier in the day, wanting to be fully charged when the action started. Everything was going great, until we got undressed and I discovered that I still had some cheese on my dick. It pretty much ruined the moment entirely, and I don't think it will happen again. What I want to know is: is there anything to that fondue idea, or is it just an urban legend?
--Mike D., San Antonio

A: I have no idea. And what's more, I don't want to have any idea. It's up to you, really. Maybe you should try it again--I mean, what's the worst that could happen? Well, I suppose you could burn the shit out of yourself. But, you know, no pain, no gain. Or something. So just keep trying, dude.

Q: I had something happen to me recently that I swear, was straight out of Letters To Penthouse.
I was riding home from work on a crowded bus, where most of us had to stand and hold on to the overhead railing. It was rush hour, and everyone was in transit. They had us packed into that bus like sardines, so much so that you couldn't avoid lots of bodily contact.
At one point, even more people got on the bus, and the resulting crush pushed me up against this beautiful woman. Right up against her, so close it was almost better than a lap dance. We gazed into each other's eyes for a long moment, and then she said in a sultry voice, "this is my stop. Want to get off?" She rang the bell.
Well, needless to say, we went straight to her apartment and got physical immediately, with no preliminaries. We practically ripped each other's clothes off, so eager were we to get things started. Then, with no warning, the mood changed abruptly. Turned out, to my horror, that I still had some cheese on my dick from an experiment the week before. My question is, how do women generally feel about that sort of thing? Is it always a deal-breaker?
--Joe P., Milwaukee


A: It's hard to say--every woman is different. But what I need to know is--did she know it was cheese? Maybe she mistook it for something really disgusting. Did you tell her what it was? An even better idea might be, from now on, to warn your pickups ahead of time that you might have cheese. To be really sure, you might even have the information printed on a T-shirt, a medic alert bracelet, or even a tattoo. It's always best to be up front about your condition.

Q: I have an active sex life, and because I don't want kids and don't want to risk disease, I use condoms. I have bought some from the local drugstore, but the old woman who is always working there always looks askance at me when I ask for them. She treats me like a criminal, and tries to embarrass me in front of other customers. So what I'm wondering, is there somewhere else where I could possibly buy a large number of condoms?
Hal B., Wilsonville

A: Yes.  Try a condominium. Most towns have at least one.

Q: How do I know if a woman is attracted to me?
Jack T., Miami

A: She's not.

Q:  No, really. Sometimes women give me mixed signals--they're interested, they're not interested, they say no but act like I should try again. Really, it's almost like that old song, "Your Lips Say No But The Cheese On My Dick Is Really Causing Some Discomfort." So tell me--I desperately need to know now--is there any one thing, any single sign to look for that would tell me if a woman might be interested in me?
Jack T., Miami

A: Probably. Now stop bloody stalking me.