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Alright, this has now become a full-fledged ranting ground and, to be honest, I feel rather good about it. Here's the long and short of it all.. events are numbered the way they happened: #1.) I realized that I had some form of feelings for a friend of mine named Julia. Her little sister attends the Governor's school, and they both fit in well with the little clan of friends I have. Somewhere over the course of the last year, I realized what a good person she was, and wanted to A: Become close friends :or: B: Become closer than friends. Two things, no, waitaminute, three barred the second option. One, she believes that her Guardian Angel, Sephiroth, is the one that she is set on spending the rest of eternity with. Okay, that could be worked around, seeing as how, well, someone who truly loves you would want you to be happy, even if that happiness is forged in the heart of someone else. So that could be worked around. Second, though, she believes that she is a horrible person, and that no one in his or her right mind should even desire to be around her, let alone have any feeling of friendship.. Oversimplified as that is, she, therefore, didn't think me sincere when I offered myself entirely to her.. Laugh if you want.. You're still laughing... Okay, it really isn't that funny... SHUT IT, NOW!! I was being sincere, though.. even if I had had to give her up to Sephiroth, I would've still wanted to spend all my time with her.. notice the specific use of the past tense here.. Keep that in mind as you read.. Third issue, and perhaps one of the most spanning... we are as different as freaking night and day, void and fullfillment, whatever set of dialectical opposites you chose to describe them.. I'm lighthearted, she broods, I devote my time to eliciting laughter, she plots ways to harm the minds of the innocent.. she's a goth, self described, and has me constantly on edge with her internal battle between her own strength and a desire to commit suicide and be with God and Sephiroth.. I still don't know whether she sees suicide as an act of commitment and time spanning strength or as an act of human weakness.. I, on the other side of the balance, think of life as a gift, and, even if it isn't, its all we know we have.. cases in point abound. Now, as another act of human weakness, self described, she admits to being lonely.. as all people are wont to do.. I make my offer... She accepts.. We hold hands once or twice, nothing binding, go to Katsucon, a really, really fun anime convention with all sorts of things that describing would sidetrack me.. nothing binding.. keep that in mind... annnnnnndddd.... SCENE! #2.) The other shoe drops.. I get an IM from Sammie, our other resident authoress, and it says, I quote, "Has Julia talked to you yet?" Oh hell, I think.. O blinking hell and double damn monkey fuck.. which is about the long and short of it.. nothing will ever work between us... Fine, I can accept that without a problem... I was only holding hands with you out of tolerance... Okay... but why didn't you speak up? Oh, to preserve your feelings... that works, but I would've preferred knowing at the time... and.... that's it. #3.) New IM to Sammie.. "What exactly did Julia tell you about Katsucon?" I query... everything tallies with what she told me except one little point, and this I'll clarify once and forever to all reading... I NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER PULL ANYTHING WITH ANY GIRL WITHOUT CHECKING FIRST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That said, she told Sammie that I was physically stopped from putting my arm around her on the ride down to Katsucon... Every three to four minutes, out of a sheer desire to A:) Not offend Julia by any sudden movement, or percieved sudden movement, and, simultaneously B:) Keep my testicles in their accustomed positions outside of my body, I would ask Julia whether or not she was comfortable with us holding hands.. she said she was.. seems a far cry from tolerance, but, there is margin for liberal interpretation.. Albeit, I did put my arm around her at one point, but she stiffened a little, and I don't think she even knew I noticed. But Julia is not a touchy feely person at all, even in a platonic sense, so I asked her if she was comfortable with said reaching of my arm.. She said she was perfectly alright, but she sounded strained, so I withdrew.. No biggie, folks, none at all... Hey, I mean, I'm already considering myself a hugely lucky guy, and I was... So why did she tell Sammie that she forced me off of her, in so many words? Why would she bend the truth... No, scratch that... ....Why would she lie? This is the same, noble sort of girl that I have, indeed, fought to rather close draws in hand to hand fights... staged, notwithstanding, but she has her heart in the right place, and I can see that... But read on, folks, read on... #4.) Time passes... #5.) I begin dating Laurel, Julia's sister, and things are going well... #6.) Julia actually expresses an Interest in someone, and, lo and behold, I'm torn.. I'm supremely happy with Laurel, let there be no question ever, and I'm happy that Julia has finally found someone she can "relate to on multiple plains." But, you know, it resurrects that initial disappointment, and I'd be lying for sure to say that I'd risen above that human emotion. I'm happy for her and him, a great guy named Vince that I met for the first down in Katuscon.. which seems to slowly be becoming the nexus of my known social universe.. Vince is twentythree, witty, great sense of humor, apparently intelligent just from the smidge of conversation I had with the man, and he seemed like an okay Joe.. I prayed he wouldn't hurt her, that he'd keep her happy.. after all, that was the whole reason I asked Julia out in the first place.. to try to make her happy in a way through she's been alone all her life.. #7.) The Interest doesn't pan out... Vince is twenty three, Julia just turned sixteen and is a self professed menace to all drivers.. Vince lives in maryland, Julia, virginia.. Vince is dating someone.. Prayers of mine turn to crematory ash, but no matter.. Julia is strong, she's committed, she'll get through this.. she's level headed enough to realize that things at this age tend to balloon to more than they are truly worth, and that you need to deflate them to stay sane... #8.) As with all the times I try to judge human character, I failed.. Miserably.. She begins believing again that there is noone for her in this world, and that no one would ever like someone like her.. She wants to take the easy way out, nothing can dissuade her that it would be best for herself and for others, but there is one thing that bars her passage with irresolute assuredness: her belief that neither God nor Sephiroth have any place in their collective hearts for her.. #9.) We reach my pleasant Sunday of bagging leaves to pay of parental debt for the Katsucon entry fee.. #10) I reach the conclusion that everything is falling in toward Katsucon. #11.) I simultaneously reach the conclusion that Julia is full of incorrect bullshit about herself.. #12.) I turn myself over to a more painful task than raking leaves: trying to reaffirm the fact in Julia's mind that her friends love her, that people do care for her, that God and Sephiroth and Bobo the CLown and WHATEVER THE FLYING FUCK OTHER GOD'S MIGHT BE FLITTING AROUND UP THERE LOVE HER TOO! As you can see this was frustrating... She thought I was insincere in wanting to love her, given the chance.... The bullshit slinging rages on, and Julia leaves the chat room that is the home of the bullshit slingers with two impressions in her mind.. A.) That no one loves her and I was totally lying about my feelings toward her, the her being her self described "heartless bitch nature".. and B.) That I was dating Laurel only as a means of getting over her... #13.) She tells little number B to Laurel... #14.) Laurel thinks that I like Julia more than her... #15.) I tell her I don't like Julia more than her... #16.) Laurel is confused, now, and, combined with the pressures to school and other things, this makes her question the merit in living on.. #17.) I am slowly but steadily losing my fucking mind... There.. out on paper... err... chat screen thingy whatever-the-fuck.. All of it... all true... Now let me beat myself with a Raggedy Anne doll in piece... If this doesn't send I'm gonna be pissed...
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