Botched (2008)

A sadly apt title for this crimer-cum-splatter-com. After a diamond heist goes pear-shaped, pro thief Ritchie (Stephen Dorff) gets sent to Moscow to square things with his boss by nicking an ancient cross from a gothic skyscraper's penthouse apartment. Nabbing a bunch of hostages, he soon realises it's not the cops who've trapped them on the 13th floor but a long-maned nutjob with a sword, who's waiting for Ivan the Terrible's second coming. There's severed limbs and heads aplenty, but no creeping suspense. The action’s played mostly for laughs - without many hits, most of the gags resting on painting the Russkies as barbarous and dim, compared to the good-natured, suave American hero… did someone forget to tell debut director Kit Ryan that the Cold War’s over?

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