Skip to main content
Part of complete coverage on

First woman to cross Antarctic solo: I've never felt so alone

By Ivana Kottasova, for CNN
October 5, 2012 -- Updated 1930 GMT (0330 HKT)
 
STORY HIGHLIGHTS
  • British explorer Felicity Aston became first woman to ski solo across Antarctica
  • She says the biggest challenge was coping with the long-term solitude
  • Aston had to deal with hallucinations and frustration to complete the expedition

(CNN) -- When Felicity Aston started smelling fish and chips, she knew something was wrong.

The unmistakable aroma of the classic British pub food, deep-fried fish and french fries, could only mean one thing: She must be hallucinating. After all, there are no pubs in the middle of Antarctica.

The British explorer was skiing solo across the great frozen continent and had not seen another human being for weeks.

"It drove me insane," said Aston. "It was like I was skiing along a huge row of fish and chips shops, the whole day."

Read more: Global warming hits Antarctica, study finds

I realized I would go a whole day and really not think about anything at all. My head was completely empty.
Felicity Aston

But, she says, she kept wiggling her fingers and toes to check for hypothermia, gritted her teeth and kept going, eventually crossing Antarctica in 59 days -- becoming the first woman in the world to make it solo.

Despite being a seasoned explorer -- she previously led a team to the South Pole; raced across Arctic Canada and traversed the inland ice of Greenland -- this was her first solo expedition. She says she has never felt so alone.

"The first time it really struck me was when the plane dropped me off (at) the beginning of my journey, and I watched it disappearing into a dark blob (in) the sky."

As she started putting up her tent and organizing her equipment, she says she realized her heart was jumping, she was out of breath and her hands were shaking.

Read more: Ship spends 10th day stuck in frozen waters off Antarctica

"I realized I was absolutely petrified," she said. "And it wasn't because I (was) scared of dying or injury, it was just that level of aloneness that was instantly frightening. Just the weight of the amount of time on my own."

Being alone in the Antarctic means being on a high alert all the time. There is a danger at every step: Crevasse fields; whiteouts; sharp-edged grooves and ridges; temperatures below -40 C and hurricane-speed winds.

Among the many physical impacts this environment has on the body -- exhaustion, malnutrition, frostbite, cramps, sunburn -- one of the most serious is hypothermia.

Among polar explorers, hypothermia is known as "the silent killer" because its first symptom is a progressive inability to think clearly, recognize the problem and do something about it. "The first warning signal of hypothermia is abnormal behavior -- being very quiet, confused, incoherent," Aston explained.

Every single morning, the first thing that struck me was, 'Oh my goodness, I can't do this, I don't want to be here, I've made a terrible mistake.'
Felicity Aston

These are things that other members of an expedition pick up on, but, in a team of one, there's no one else to raise the red flag.

Read more: Patient from Antarctica flown to New Zealand for treatment

"If you're alone, you have to make sure that if something goes wrong, you can get out of it," she said. "I had to always make sure that I would be able to put up a tent and look after myself at the end of each day." That's why she constantly wiggled her fingers, to make sure they weren't becoming numb, as the inability to use her hands would have been fatal.

Despite the endless physical dangers, Aston says the real challenge is winning the mental battle with solitude.

"It became the biggest struggle of the whole trip," she said. "Every single morning, the first thing that struck me was, 'Oh my goodness, I can't do this, I don't want to be here, I've made a terrible mistake.'

"I realized that the real (trick) of this would not be how strong I was or how much experience I had, it would literally be getting out of that tent."

But each day, she would get out of the tent and repeat exactly the same routine. After 40 days, she says she started noticing changes.

Read more: Scientists: Japanese tsunami produced Antarctic icebergs

"I realized I would go a whole day and really not think about anything at all. My head was completely empty," she said.

Hallucinations and strange sensations came next: "The sun became really important to me," she added.

During the polar summer, the sun circles in the sky, never going down. It became Aston's constant companion and she began greeting it in the morning. "This developed into me having full-blown conversations with the sun in my mind," she added.

Crying also became part of the daily routine and she says it wasn't until day 15 of her journey that she managed to go a whole day without bursting into tears.

In pictures: Stunning undersea panoramas now on Google Street View

As an experienced explorer, she knows they are part of the experience. "The men do as much crying as the women do," she said. "And the women smell as bad after six weeks without shower."

While bodily functions don't make the difference, it's the attitude that sets man and women apart.

She says that even the most experienced women tend to suffer from a lack of self confidence and sense of vulnerability.

"When I take a groups of women out into the cold environment, they are a lot more unsure, their default position is 'I can't do this,'" she said. Her job then becomes to convince them about the opposite.

With men, it's different. "Usually they'll fling themselves at it and their default position is 'I already know how to do this, I know exactly how to do this,' and it's a matter of bringing them in and telling them that they need to think more and watch out for certain things."

After days of skiing alone, in extreme cold, these differences disappear and men and women have to deal with the same issues.

Apart from one, which Aston has yet to find a solution to: Going to the toilet.

During the coldest days in Antarctica, she was deliberately dehydrating herself to avoid the need to get undressed in the bitter frost.

"It's the only time in my life I've ever ... wanted to be a man," Aston said. "You see the guys just turn around and have a quick pee in the snow and you go, 'Arrghh, I have to get undressed in this cold!'"

ADVERTISEMENT
Part of complete coverage on
January 24, 2013 -- Updated 1559 GMT (2359 HKT)
Move over Wall Street. Meet the most ambitious women on earth: The go-getting, educated women in Brazil, Russia, India, and China.
January 17, 2013 -- Updated 1833 GMT (0233 HKT)
As a young art graduate Bharti Kher traveled to India. 20 years later she is still there and one of the country's most successful artists.
January 9, 2013 -- Updated 0949 GMT (1749 HKT)
Your Twitter feed can be inspiring, make you laugh, and even change the way you look at the world ... if you pick the right people to follow.
December 21, 2012 -- Updated 0448 GMT (1248 HKT)
As we prepare to embrace a new year, women have been sharing their plans to improve their work life in 2013.
December 17, 2012 -- Updated 1437 GMT (2237 HKT)
One of the best-loved sopranos of her generation, Sumi Jo's route to operatic acclaim was laid out by her mother before she was born.
December 12, 2012 -- Updated 1227 GMT (2027 HKT)
Women: Want to get your career off to a flying start or shift up a gear? Share your plans and resolutions for 2013. We'll feature the best.
December 20, 2012 -- Updated 1854 GMT (0254 HKT)
When Grace Lieblein started her career in a car assembly plant at the age of 18, she was a rare woman in a man's world.
December 5, 2012 -- Updated 1039 GMT (1839 HKT)
From selling fax machines door-to-door to being named a billionaire, Sara Blakely's career trajectory has been anything but usual.
December 12, 2012 -- Updated 1241 GMT (2041 HKT)
A single mother with few qualifications, Pernille Aalund is CEO of Innovation at one of Scandinavia's biggest media houses.
November 27, 2012 -- Updated 1155 GMT (1955 HKT)
The legal profession in the UK loses a huge number of women after career breaks. A firm allowing lawyers work flexibly aims to change that.
November 15, 2012 -- Updated 1557 GMT (2357 HKT)
An employee of Indian Biotechnology firm Bharat Biotech displays the newly launched typhoid vaccine called 'Typbar'.
As one of India's richest self-made women, Kiran Mazumdar-Shaw has an impressive resume.
November 19, 2012 -- Updated 1032 GMT (1832 HKT)
A businessman reads a document over his secretary's shoulder, circa 1935
Attorney Victoria Pynchon's article in favour of using "feminine charms" in the workplace generated a huge -- and divided -- response.
November 14, 2012 -- Updated 1729 GMT (0129 HKT)
A woman sits on a desk during a meeting with two colleagues, circa 1960.
Women should use all tools at their disposal, writes Victoria Pynchon, attorney and co-founder of She Negotiates consultancy firm.
October 25, 2012 -- Updated 1317 GMT (2117 HKT)
Potential employers meet with students at Barnard College, the undergraduate women's college of Columbia University.
Beth Brooke of Ernst & Young argues that empowering women can bring as many business benefits as investing in high growth markets.
October 31, 2012 -- Updated 1625 GMT (0025 HKT)
With more works in galleries and increasing prices at auction, the art world is finally recognizing the value of female artists' work.
On Day of the Girl, CNN spoke to some of the world's most remarkable women to find out: "Looking back, what one piece of advice would you give to your 15-year-old self?"
October 11, 2012 -- Updated 1139 GMT (1939 HKT)
Leymah Gbowee, the Liberian activist who last year won the Nobel Peace Prize, says she is disappointed with fellow winner Ellen Johnson Sirleaf.
October 9, 2012 -- Updated 1110 GMT (1910 HKT)
As Co-Chairman of Universal Pictures, Donna Langley is a member of an elite club: She's a female movie mogul in Hollywood.
October 5, 2012 -- Updated 1930 GMT (0330 HKT)
Felicity Aston in Antarctica
Battling frustration, solitude and the smell of fish and chips, Felicity Aston tells CNN how she become the first woman to ski solo across Antarctica.
Drop the gender wars at work -- collaboration and communication are the key to business success, say Twitter chat participants.
September 12, 2012 -- Updated 1551 GMT (2351 HKT)
If are planning on running away to join the circus, first you need to impress someone like Krista Monson, Cirque du Soleil's casting director.
September 3, 2012 -- Updated 1116 GMT (1916 HKT)
Judit Polgar
In the game of chess, Judit Polgar has dominated all others for more than 20 years. But, she says, after the birth of her first child, things fell apart.
August 8, 2012 -- Updated 0854 GMT (1654 HKT)
A provocateur, whom critics have described as "the Lady Gaga of architecture", Zaha Hadid gave London the knockout Olympic venue.
Brazil's striker Marta runs during the quarter-final match of the FIFA women's football World Cup Brazil vs USA on July 10, 2011 in Dresden, eastern Germany.
It's a man's game, or so the old adage goes. In recent times, though, an increasing number of women have taken up leadership roles in both men's and women's football.
July 4, 2012 -- Updated 1246 GMT (2046 HKT)
As coordinator for the world's biggest science experiment, CERN's Fabiola Gianotti occupies one of the top jobs in science.
May 23, 2012 -- Updated 0954 GMT (1754 HKT)
Be prepared, the next big thing facing a green makeover might just be your closet.
CNN anchors asked women around the world what success means to them. Here's what they said.
ADVERTISEMENT