Texas Chainsaw(2013)

The most important thing to remember when you watch a new Texas Chainsaw Massacre film, is that you can't compare it to the original. No movie will ever reach the grisly terror that was unleashed in 1974. If you're hoping to stroll by the theater and witness anything comparable, you're setting yourself up for a massive disappointment. If you do elect to view new "Chainsaw" movies, it's best to judge them as just another slasher film. If you do, you'll realize that there have been some entertaining installments in the past 39 years. Well, few, but still.

"Texas Chainsaw 3D" came about when Platinum Dunes announced that they would not be producing any future installments of the series. This prompted Lionsgate, who enthusiastically promised great things, to secure the rights to the franchise. Volumes could be written about how poorly Platinum Dunes handled several of their remakes, but to their credit, the pair of "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" movies weren't that bad. Both films were far from perfect, but they attempted to make the story their own, while delivering some sadistic brutality. Surely, if Lionsgate made good on their bold promises, fans would be in for some quality Horror movies. Unfortunately, the studio's initial effort failed miserably.

"Texas Chainsaw 3D" was intended to be a direct sequel to the 1974 classic. The best parts of the 2013 version are the first 5 minutes when they recap Tobe Hooper's film. Sadly, I'm not even exaggerating. The only good parts of this movie are the highlights of another movie. After introducing several plot holes, the story attempts to start off exactly when the original ends. Everything that transpires from that point on is just ridiculous. Even by slasher movie standards, the storytelling is absolutely shameful. The most unforgivable blunder is the fact that the filmmakers actually attempt to make the viewer feel sympathetic toward Leatherface and the Sawyer family! Really? I couldn't even make this up if I tried.
What an embarrassing error in judgement. So they begin the film by showing the clan shred an invalid with a chainsaw, before torturing his sister to the brink of mental incapacity, but this behavior is apparently excusable because the whole lot is just misunderstood. Talk about a massive departure from the realm of competent storytelling. The self-proclaimed writers are actually attempting to shovel this manure down the viewer's throat. As a lifelong fan of Horror movies, I was offended.

Aside from the horrendous liberties taken with the characters, this film offers nothing unique or even vaguely interesting. The murders are generic, the body count is slim, and to label the 3-D effects uninspired, would be a gross understatement. "Texas Chainsaw 3D" is an utter catastrophe.

The makers of this film should be entirely ashamed of the feces that they served up. They should be as embarrassed to have made this wretched film, as I am to say that I spent money on it. Here's hoping the crew responsible for this negligence aren't allowed anywhere near this franchise in the future.