Ask Audrey: 'Let the tree-huggers of Cork know they are unwelcome on the Blackrock Road'

Fifi_WhiteRangeRover said it’s all very well looking out for penguins and polar bears, but can you imagine sipping a mojito in Schull this summer in your vintage jumpsuit, when someone like Emer Cronin-Crowley-Buckley comes around the corner and says, “Fifi, what are you doing in my cast-offs, is your Ken having trouble with the Revenue again?” 

That’s the big question really Audrey. I mean like, I’m mad keen to go vintage and save the planet, even though we’re on high enough ground on the Douglas Road and wouldn’t be affected by rising water for ages. So like, is there a way to see who owned vintage clothes before you?

— Jenni, Douglas Road

I know your pain. I wore this vintage throw to Cork Week a few years back. Shona Harrington-Lane-O’Leary came up to me and shrieked, “Oh my God, my old throw, how many other things belonging to me did you pick up in town.” I said, three if you include your husband.#FaceOnHer

Hello, it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. Go away with your judgement now, but amn’t I after starting an online relationship with a lad below in Killorglin. Do ya know they’re not the worst people in the world as long as you can find a way to steer the conversation away from Puck Fair. It doesn’t matter what I say to the man, he’ll find a way to turn it into a conversation about their fecking three-day drinking festival. 

Stop it, I had to say to him the other night when we were sexting each other and he insisted on using Puck as rhyming slang for what he’d like to do to me if you get my drift. Anyway, didn’t he say he’d love to bring me to a beach in Kerry this bank holiday and didn’t I say, I’m not allowed to leave the county you gowl and he said, don’t mind that, we’ll smuggle you in via Scartaglin. So like, what’s the best way to disguise myself as a Kerry woman, tell me?

— Rosealeen, Ballydesmond.

I’m friends with an agony aunt below in Tralee, most of her emails are from people who fell in love with a goat. I said, how can a Cork woman pretend to be from Kerry. She said, pronounce it 'Kirry'. I said, really? She said, relay. #Pronunciation

Hello old stock. It’s hard work on social media these days, with all the cycling crowd posting photos of the new cycle lane being installed on the South Mall, and suggesting they get together for a celebratory spin once the work is completed. 

I was going to organise a counter-demonstration, where myself and the lads have a Range Rover rally down the Mall at the same time, but that would be as futile as trying to wean a northsider off darts. No, it’s time now for us beautifully spoken millionaires to make a tactical retreat and prepare for the Big Battle ahead, where we fight the inevitable plans to put a cycle lane on the Blackrock Road. 

I can picture the cycling crowd now in their HQ, probably a tree-house, almost wetting their hemp knickers at the prospect of cycling down our way, safe from an angry local who is justifiably trying to run them off the road in his 150 grand supercar. So, time for the opening shots in our war. Can you let the tree-huggers of Cork know they are unwelcome on the Blackrock Road?

— Reggie, Blackrock Road.

I rang the tree-huggers there (I was surprised as anyone to find their number in the book.) I said, what are your aims? Your man said, a fair deal for the planet and equality for all human beings. I said, have you any plans to cycle down the Blackrock Road? He said, Jesus, no way, we don’t want people thinking we live in Mahon. #SomeAreMoreEqualThan Others

Hi girl, c’mere it’s Proud Paul out here in Togher. We’re all the biz after hearing that a local girl, Linda Doyle, has actually become Provost of Trinity College above in Dublin. It’s been the talk of Togher for the last fortnight, along with people saying c’mere, what’s a Provost? (It’s the nobby Dublin word for Head Honcho.) 

Anyway, if this girl was from Sunday’s Well she’d probably have a plaque up already or maybe even her own statue in Fitzgerald’s Park. But she’s from Togher, so she’ll probably get nathin’ like, typical. It’s time the City Fathers started paying attention to us out here, not to mention the City Mams, #OneLove. Should I start a campaign?

— Proud Paul, Togher

I rang City Hall there and told them the story. The guy said, I have a feeling Linda might get a bridge named after her for that. I said, getting a job? He said, no, for all the Dublin people she stopped from getting the job. #TakeThatYeDubs