Dr Colman Noctor: Giving a child an internet-enabled device is like buying a puppy
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Last month I spent two hours trying to safely set up my children’s Minecraft accounts. I always thought IKEA flat packed items were frustrating and complicated, but they are a doddle compared to this.
As someone who has always spoken openly about the futility of parental controls as a sole mechanism for managing the risks of children’s online usage, the irony of me writing about negotiating the settings on accounts up for my eight and 10 year old is not lost on me.
The reason I did a U-turn on my pre-pandemic standards is because I have witnessed how my children were adversely affected by the loneliness and disconnect of the rolling lockdowns. So, the possibility of them being able to stay connected to their peers and school community, via online games such as Roblox and Minecraft, had to be considered.
In non-pandemic times I would have wanted to hold out a bit longer on the introduction of these risky portals to the outside world but weighing up the cost/benefit analysis of the loneliness and disconnect of school closures and the absence of any social sporting activities, I resigned myself to the fact that this was ‘better than nothing’. However, I was adamant that I was going to do so in the safest way possible.
No parental control setting is airtight, so I believe we need to work with the user or the child, as opposed to relying on the technology to keep them safe. However, I still see privacy settings as a helpful tool in reducing risk and I wanted to set up as safe an online environment as possible. However, my attempts to set up safe internet usage for my children proved beyond me.
I spent three hours trying to set up a Microsoft Family Account which would allow me to manage and monitor the usage settings for my children. It transpired that they each required a Microsoft or Outlook email account, which needed to be linked to an Xbox account (even though we do not have an Xbox). All of these accounts had to be individually set up and then synced to my adult account. After multiple email verifications and confirmations, I was beaten.
The disappointment of my eight and ten year olds in my lack of expertise was palpable, as they reminded me that none of their friend’s parents had these problems when they set up their friend’s accounts, which made me question, why not?
Most of us know someone who is more techie than us, and to prove that this wasn’t just my limited technological skillset, I arranged a Zoom call with my IT friend, with the hope that our collective 38 years of technology experience would suffice. Eventually, after two further hours of Googling, verifying emails, screen sharing and creating an encyclopaedia of ‘strong enough’ passwords, we established something that appeared seemingly safe for my children to use.
The complications were endless, the approach was unbelievably user-unfriendly, the directions of what to do were not to be found, despite numerous Google searches, and we joked that it would be easier to hack into the Gardai PULSE system than set this up. In a moment of exacerbation, I exclaimed: ‘why is this so hard?’. My IT friend replied: ‘because they want you to give up’. And it dawned on me, he was right. In a world of data-based algorithms, access to personal data is gold dust. It makes sense that companies would want to make restricting access to personal data difficult, much like some complex ‘opt-outs’ for online procedures such as booking flights.
After my IT friend and I flopped back in our respective swivel chairs and promised ourselves a coffee, we discussed how hard it was to imagine the majority of parents persevering with the layers of work involved in setting up parental controls. I can only assume that many do not, and instead give up and take the hit on the online risks for a quiet life.
I understand their response. I have many rickety IKEA items in my house that wobble because I found leftover bolts and convinced myself ‘they must be spares’, rather than re-read the instructions.
However, as parents, we need to take a stand against the bamboozling techniques of ‘accepting cookies’ or reading pages of terms and conditions. Technology companies need to be accountable for the safety of child users and there needs to be some way of regulating these unnecessarily complicated strategies.
My experience of this arduous process has made me double down on my original belief that the main response to children’s online safety is to positively influence our children’s usage. Providing a child with an internet-enabled device is like buying a puppy, the work only starts then.
Many parents have asked me to recommend a good parental control software and I repeatedly reply with: ‘The work of keeping children safe online cannot be left to the technology companies or the parental controls, it still needs to be carried out by the parents’.
We need to teach children the principles of digital literacy and show them how to conduct themselves in a safe way online.
A far more effective use of my time over the last month was the numerous conversations I have with my children about what need to do if they encounter something online that they are concerned about. I have repeatedly spoken about the ‘tell me’ philosophy, which means that no matter what happens online, if they tell me, I will help them to resolve it. But most importantly, it will not automatically result in the device or access being taken away from them.
The number one reason children do not share online issues with their parents is the fear of the device being taken from them. So, the most effective strategy for keeping your children safe online is to clarify this outcome and convince them to come to you if they are in any doubt.
Safer internet use is down to safe users and so we owe it to our children to teach them, in addition to an online version of the ‘Safe Cross Code’, a way of dealing emotionally with the dynamics of the online world.
Remember, when your child gets an opportunity to do something online that they shouldn’t, you are most likely not going to be there. The best next thing is to be the voice they hear in their head or the first person they call upon to tell.
- Dr Colman Noctor is a child psychotherapist
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