Spring is here. The ducks on the reservoir near my flat are building their nests, pruning their feathers, and doing whatever else it is ducks do to get laid. But if you open the apps, talk to your friends, or even read the news, it seems this season isn’t having the same aphrodisiac effect on us humans.
Yup, it’s not just you; the dating vibes are definitely off right now.
“I am just not dating going forward anymore because everyone is so burnt out from the process they are only considering themselves,” Ash, a 28 year old who has been dating again for about eight months, tells me. “I think people's lives are so full and busy they are looking for low stakes connections and efficiency. Many people aren't willing to put in the time it takes to get to know someone.”
Burnout and disposability were the two phrases that came up again and again when I spoke to daters and experts about my suspicion that dating is a bit strange right now. All of us feel exhausted and replaceable, and for many of us, the ubiquitousness of apps are to blame. “We’re in an age where dating apps and social media have taken away from real genuine meets and have aided the rise in casual hook-ups and casual dating,” explains founder of Feed Me Female and Head of Content at IPlaySafe, Hope Flynn.
“I’m not against casual dating and it can work if both parties are on the same page, however I have noticed that ‘casual dating’ is often used as an excuse for no effort, no accountability, poor communication, no empathy and inconsiderate behaviours.”
Meeting people through apps as opposed to through friends or the workplace means potential suitors are often disconnected from our social circles and communities. So, if someone treats us badly (or we treat them badly) by ghosting or generally being a bit of a dick, there’s no social consequences. We can just swipe on another person and do it again, and no one will ever know. “If we get bored, hurt or the ick we can just move on to the next without accountability or any real care, either for ourselves or the other person,” agrees Jodie Cariss, Therapist and Founder of Self Space therapy, “This can be exhausting and desensitising.”
But Tinder - the app that introduced the swiping mechanism to the world and took mobile dating mainstream- has been around for over a decade now, as have the discussions about how dating apps commodify and gamify human connection. While app burn out might explain why dating feels off in general, it can’t explain why it feels so weird right now, or why many of the apps feel like ghost towns. Other factors must also be at play.
“Who has time, money, or energy to date right now?” Asks Ellen Jones, a campaigner and educator on LGBGTQIA+ and disability rights. Ellen has been single and casually dating since the UK came out of lockdown, but says she’s noticed a difference in the dating scene in the last few months. “What I’m seeing is that people have had to deal with so much uncertainty in terms of living costs, renting, politics that investing into the uncertainty of a relationship or a date is a bigger risk than ordinarily.” The cost of living crisis has already been having a negative impact on our relationships, and more people are saying they’re looking to spend less on dating. Going further, almost a quarter of single Brits saying they’re now forgoing dates entirely to save on money.
The space between us and the last lockdown may also be contributing to the weird vibes. Dating app usage spiked during lockdown, as singles (and lets be real, lots of not-singles) turned to the apps for crumbs of intimacy. While you couldn’t go to a bar and chat to a stranger, you could fill an evening flirting with a dude from Bumble, free from the pressure that you’d actually have to meet.
“The excitement for the end of the pandemic has worn off. Inflation is tough on morale and I keep reading articles about how people – Gen Z especially – are struggling with having a social life and keeping up friendships,” says Nina, a 23-year-old who's been dating for a couple of years. She’s found that the apps are ‘quieter than ever’, and that her friends have confirmed the same.
Now, people are looking for IRL connections once again, but the types of events that are booming (speed-dating is having a resurgence and sex parties continue to rise in popularity) suggest we’re still prioritising efficiency and instant gratification over building deep connections. As a response to this, Self Space have started running ‘slow-dating’ events, where therapists help guide connections in a group setting. “There was a real sense that having been meeting new people hidden in apps for so long that we’ve forgotten how to really be with each other,” says Cariss.
Recently, Jem, a bookseller from London, experienced this first hand. He met a guy at dinner, before progressing onto drinks. “We chatted for hours, and at the end he asked for my number,” Jem tells me. But when Jem messaged him, his dinner companion evaded any attempts to arrange a second hang out. “Which begs the question, why did he keep progressing things and seeking out further opportunities for communication if he wasn't interested?” Jem asks. “It's incredibly hard to get a read on what's going on as the usual indicators no longer seem to mean what they once did. Signals are dead. Hell is empty.”
So, if dating has you feeling like you're in a Shakeaspearian tragedy, what can you do to get the vibes back on track? Well, don’t be afraid to just sit it out for a while. “Have a break from scrolling through the apps or actively looking for a potential partner on a night out,” says Flynn, “If your mind is in a negative place towards dating and you feel like it’s hopeless then there is no point going on dates with this attitude.”
Giving yourself some space from the dating scene will not only help you replenish your energy, it’ll give you some time to reflect on what you’re looking for - which Flynn says is what the dating scene vitally needs right now. “It’s empowering to know exactly what you want and consciously make decisions that fit your expectations,” she adds.
Prioritsing your mental health and having fun (instead of treating dating as a numbers game) can help you feel excited for dating again. Only engage with dating if you actually want to, rather than because you feel like you should - and use dating as a way to try out new experiences, as well as meeting someone.
“The dating world has become a bit of an emotional war zone, where mistrust can be high and we fear showing our full selves in case we might be rejected,” says Cariss, “Be gentle and compassionate with yourself.”
The vibes will return.
